I do not let my past dictate my future. I do not use the abuse as an excuse. I do not let my failures stop me from succeeding. I’m in charge of my life. Of building a strong foundation for my children’s lives.

Recently I gave this advice to someone close to me who threw out excuse after excuse for why they don’t or won’t do things. With every excuse, I countered. After so many I simply said, “No. Wait. Stop. Those are excuses. No more excuses. They don’t work anymore.” It was a harsh thing to say, but I believe I needed to. Excuses get in the way and make people miserable because they feel they can’t do the things they only dream of doing.

I say, stop dreaming and do it. No more excuses. Get out there and live life. You may fail, but that’s okay. Take it as a lesson learned. Try a different approach. Try multiple times before thinking about giving up. Then, and only then, is it okay to give up. Except, don’t give up on yourself. Try something new. Find something else. Keep trying until you find what you can do, but only stop if it’s what you want.

Let me tell you, I feel so much better. I can work harder and longer because I can breathe better. I smell better. I have more time to do things because I no longer need to stop and have a smoke. I no longer have the painful monthly menstrual cramps that drop me into a tear-filled fetal position every time it hits. And most of all, I’ve saved nearly FIFTEEN HUNDRED DOLLARS and was able to put it to the downpayment of a house.

It feels great and I am proof that it can be done. After 22 years of smoking, I just quit because I felt it was time. For those that think it’s not possible, believe me, it is. When someone asks me how I did it (cold turkey) I tell them, “The only thing you need to do is want to quit. And I mean, REALLY WANT TO. If you feel you can’t, then you don’t really want to. Don’t try until you’re absolutely sure it’s what you want.” When you do that, you can’t fail.

If you’ve been paying attention, I’ve been smoking for a long time and this is not an easy task. But with the look on his face as he stared at my hand, I found my inspiration. His love. Him.

It’s been about a month cold turkey. My goal is the rest of my life. Wish me luck. I’m doing this.

I got an email late last month from Niki’s teacher asking to have a conference with her regarding Niki’s progress in school. The hubs took a bit of time off work to go with me. I needed the support and assistance. So we went. It was not a great way to start the day.

Niki is falling behind in reading and math. Two subject that came so easily to the hubs and I. The idea that it was hard for our daughter was foreign and hard to grasp. We knew she struggled but not to the extent we were told. She receives lots of extra tutoring in school for both subjects, but still can’t catch up with the rest of her class. Her teacher believes it can be due to her age. She is one of the youngest in there.

Then the hammer fell and smashed me on the head. Or the heart. I really can’t tell. All I know is that it hurt a lot. Her teacher, along with her reading teacher, suggest we have Niki take second grade over again next school year. They believe that her age and the fact that she doesn’t yet fully grasp the importance of school will be her downfall. They say if we don’t, next year will be harder. And it’ll continue this way and she’ll struggle through the rest of her school years.

Now tell me. What would you say to that? How would you feel if someone told you that about your seven year old?

We asked for options. What else can we do? Is this really what’s best for her? They say the other option, aside from just winging it and crossing our fingers, is to get her a tutor. Someone that is not us. Because she might feel more comfortable with someone other than her parents or teacher.

Tell me. What would you do?

Me. I fell apart as soon as I stepped foot into the house. I cried my eyes out. How could I fail my daughter like this? She’s so young and I’m already doing such a horrible job. I am not a good teacher. I’m impatient and easily irritated. And my mind is always distracted with everything else that no matter how hard I try, I cannot concentrate.

So what have we decided? Well we can’t afford a tutor. And. We don’t know anyone who has time to help. But we don’t want her repeating second grade again. So the obvious choice is to just wing it.

I know. That makes us awful parents. Doesn’t sound like we are doing what is best for her. But I don’t know what else to do. Maybe I could find help during the summer. Someone who can help us. Until then, we’re going to struggle toether and hope for the best.

Life ain’t worth living without some struggle, right? This just happens to be a family event. We’ll do this together. Hopefully we succeed.