If you’ve been paying attention, I’ve been smoking for a long time and this is not an easy task. But with the look on his face as he stared at my hand, I found my inspiration. His love. Him.

It’s been about a month cold turkey. My goal is the rest of my life. Wish me luck. I’m doing this.

I got an email late last month from Niki’s teacher asking to have a conference with her regarding Niki’s progress in school. The hubs took a bit of time off work to go with me. I needed the support and assistance. So we went. It was not a great way to start the day.

Niki is falling behind in reading and math. Two subject that came so easily to the hubs and I. The idea that it was hard for our daughter was foreign and hard to grasp. We knew she struggled but not to the extent we were told. She receives lots of extra tutoring in school for both subjects, but still can’t catch up with the rest of her class. Her teacher believes it can be due to her age. She is one of the youngest in there.

Then the hammer fell and smashed me on the head. Or the heart. I really can’t tell. All I know is that it hurt a lot. Her teacher, along with her reading teacher, suggest we have Niki take second grade over again next school year. They believe that her age and the fact that she doesn’t yet fully grasp the importance of school will be her downfall. They say if we don’t, next year will be harder. And it’ll continue this way and she’ll struggle through the rest of her school years.

Now tell me. What would you say to that? How would you feel if someone told you that about your seven year old?

We asked for options. What else can we do? Is this really what’s best for her? They say the other option, aside from just winging it and crossing our fingers, is to get her a tutor. Someone that is not us. Because she might feel more comfortable with someone other than her parents or teacher.

Tell me. What would you do?

Me. I fell apart as soon as I stepped foot into the house. I cried my eyes out. How could I fail my daughter like this? She’s so young and I’m already doing such a horrible job. I am not a good teacher. I’m impatient and easily irritated. And my mind is always distracted with everything else that no matter how hard I try, I cannot concentrate.

So what have we decided? Well we can’t afford a tutor. And. We don’t know anyone who has time to help. But we don’t want her repeating second grade again. So the obvious choice is to just wing it.

I know. That makes us awful parents. Doesn’t sound like we are doing what is best for her. But I don’t know what else to do. Maybe I could find help during the summer. Someone who can help us. Until then, we’re going to struggle toether and hope for the best.

Life ain’t worth living without some struggle, right? This just happens to be a family event. We’ll do this together. Hopefully we succeed.